I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize