Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
