Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
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