I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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