I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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