I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
