just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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