textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
