i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
