So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
