you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
