Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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