I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
