I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
