Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
