nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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