My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
