a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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