were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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