I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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