Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
