the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
