you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
