That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
We have so much sex to catch up on
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
