I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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