you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
vagina is talking i cant
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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