Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
