My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
