somebody snuck up and got me drunk
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
