I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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