I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
