I wish my penis had an off switch
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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