My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
