It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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