so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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