I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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