I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
