Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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