youre lurking in front of me
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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