Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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