I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
