Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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