remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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