a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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