how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
