Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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