what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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