I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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