I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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