I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
